365 Ways to Kill a Starfleet Captain
by Adenil
Summary: How many ways are there to kill a Captain?
1. Kirk One

Three Hundred and Sixty Five ways to kill a Starfleet Captain…

Authors notes (Of Doom!): Not a list, at least not in the conventional sense. There will, eventually, be 365 separate chapters, each depicting a different way to kill a different captain. It ranges from TOS to TNG to ENT, and at the beginning of each the show and general timeframe will be listed. (And yes, Sisko is being counted as a Captain)

Rated: T (Because I said so!)

Genre: Action (Yeah right)/Comedy

Brief description: How many ways are there to kill a Captain?

Disclaimer: NOTHING! (Except Tomalley, and the 365 ideas)

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Authors note: The original Series, after the first three years, before the movies

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Kirk walked with a determined air towards the shuttle bay. He wasn't going to actually _use _a shuttle. But he did need a pressure suit.

He keyed the door lock and struck a dramatic pose. Left hand on his hip, leaning lightly on the wall.

The door slid open and he strutted through. He walked to the closet and pulled out a one-size-fits-most suit. After donning the suit he keyed the comm.

"Kirk to bridge," He said.

"Bridge, Sulu here." Came the reply.

"I'm… ready to go, depressurize main shuttle bay."

"We could still beam you to them captain, there's enough power to do that at least."

Kirk let out a dry laugh, "No thank you, lieutenant. The targeting scanners are still down. We…. Also might need them. Scotty and Spock could be in grave danger. I had better go. Before, their, air runs out."

"Aye sir," Sulu replied, "We're depressurizing the main shuttle bay now."

The doors of the shuttle bay slowly slid open. With a running leap Kirk jumped from the shuttle bay into the space around him. He deftly floated towards where Scotty and Spock were supposed to be. They'd been working on the damage to the hull for nearly seven hours. Somehow one of them had made a miscalculation and they had both become encased in the decking material.

Usually Kirk would send a specialist to free his friends, but then he would never get to do any thing fun. He glided smoothly to the deck and pulled a laser cutter from nowhere. He carefully began to slice away at the deck.

He heard a shout. And peered through the small hole he had made. He could barely see the shadowy figure of Scotty madly waving his arms above his head. He saw him key his comm.

"Captain!"

"Yes, Scotty, is there a problem?"

"Aye! Toss down a laser cutter, Mr. Spock is trapped."

Kirk pulled out another laser cutter, from his boot this time, and tossed it through the hole to Scotty. He then turned and quickly began to slice away at the deck plating.

An hour later the work was complete. He set the still running laser on the deck and reached down to help his friends up. After making sure they were both alright he absentmindedly reached behind himself to grab the laser cutter.

He felt the shock run through him and watched in horror as the laser shot out the other side of his body. He heard the sound of the suit quickly depressurizing.

"Warning, pressure loss imminent." Came in incessant voice of the computer, "Warning…"

Kirks brain swelled up and after two seconds of horrible excruciating pain. He was gone.

And poor Ensign Tomalley had to clean up the damn mess!


	2. Kirk Two

Authors notes: The Original Series, during the Episode 'The Trouble, With Tribbles'

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Kirk absentmindedly patted the Tribble on its head (Err, body). He had turned to say something to Spock, when the Tribble bit him.

Kirk gaped at the Tribble. Tribbles didn't just bite you, they didn't even have teeth!

"Mr. Spock?" He asked.

Spock turned from his counsel, "Yes captain?"

Kirk gaped at him, "Is it bad if a Tribble bites you?"

Spock's eyebrow rose, "Tribbles do not have teeth, Captain."

"I know that Spock. But this one just bit me, and-" Before he could get another word out the Tribble jumped. Literally a foot in the air. Foam spewed every which way, congealing on the entire bridge crew. Kirk let out an annoyed gasp, "Stupid Tribble has-"

He was interrupted when Spock keyed the comm. "Spock to Sickbay!" His first officer said, "Medical team to the bridge."

Kirk was about to say something when he saw the rest of the crew stand up. They slowly began to back up. "It's alright Captain." He heard Ensign Tomalley say, "Just don't move."

"What are you all going on-" For the third time he was interrupted. The turbolift doors swooshed open, and a haggard McCoy stepped onto the bridge.

"What's the problem?" He asked bluntly, surveying the scene.

One off-white dead Tribble lay on Kirks armrest. Tribble foam covered the deck in an area encompassing seven feet. Kirk gave him a bewildered look. "The Tribble bit me."

The Doctors eyes widened. "Oh, alright Jim. Its okay, just don't make any sudden movements." He slowly drew out a hypospray. "I'm just going to inject you with this, don't worry, it will all be okay." He took a slow step forward.

"Hang on, Bones." Kirk raised a hand, "What's in that Hypospray?"

McCoy took another step forward, "I'm real sorry, Jim, you shouldn't have let that Tribble bite you…" He paused, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put you down."

"Put me- What? Why?" Kirk stood up, fear etched in his face.

"Because sir," Spock said simply, "You have Tribble-rabies"

"Tribble-whosits?" Kirk gasped, "No-no I don't, why would I have that?" He jumped up, "Nope not gonna happen, Bones get that thing away from me!"

McCoy took another step forward and Kirk was momentarily distracted. Spock took advantage of that and leapt forward, grabbing the Captains arms and pinning them to his sides.

McCoy jumped and pressed the Hypospray to Kirks neck. "Sorry, Captain." He said sadly, "But Tribble-Rabies are infectious."

Kirks eyes slid shut and he fell into the longest, deepest sleep that ever was.

---

Author's notes: Suddenly I realized that 365 is a big number. I only have 70 ideas! Does anyone have an idea they are willing to share?


	3. Kirk Three

Authors notes: TOS sometime after the third season

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"Salmon and Rice," Kirk stated, "With extra soy sauce."

The replicator made a funny whirring noise and the door slid open to reveal a thick slab of Salmon on some brown rice. Kirk grinned and grabbed up the meal. He turned and caught sight of his two best friends.

McCoy and Spock sat in the far back corner, heatedly engaged in a conversation. If Kirk had to hazard a guess, probably about logic. He saw McCoy glance up and wave him over. He plastered a grin on his face and walked nearer.

He sat down and absentmindedly listened to McCoy blather on about emotions, and Spock respond with logic. He stared dejectedly at his meal and stirred the fishy contents around.

He paused, and waited for a lull in the conversation, which came when they both took a breath at the same time, "So, Doctor, how's Ensign Tomalley doing?"

McCoy grinned, "Much better, Jim, after that initial spike he recovered pretty fast." His grin widened, "Should be back in sciences pretty soon, Spock." He added as an afterthought

Kirk nodded and took a bite of the rice and Salmon, he turned to Spock, "How are those Nebula scans coming?"

"Quite well, Captain." His first officer replied, "The scans should be completed within the hour."

"Good," Was all he said. The meal progressed in silence. Kirk found himself staring at the mess hall. Hadn't it been crowded just a minute ago? Now there wasn't a soul besides them.

He began to take another bite of fish, and at the same moment he remembered something. He started to chew his Salmon, but was distracted by his memory. He felt something sharp slide down his throat. He choked.

"Jim?" McCoy said, leaning foreword. "You okay?"

Kirk couldn't answer, he felt the fish bone pierce through his throat, and choked again. "Glickth," Was all that came out.

"You are choking?"

Kirk nodded and clutched his throat.

"Gonna die?"

He nodded again, becoming angry.

McCoy turned to Spock, "Well?"

Spock seemed to consider for some time, all the while Kirks face turned blue. Spock opened his mouth, "I don't believe I saw anything." He said flatly.

McCoy nodded, and Kirks eyes widened. "Nope," said the Doctor, "In fact, we weren't even here when it happened."

They stood in unison and dumped their trays. They started to leave when McCoy turned back;

"By the way, Captain, I never like you anyway."

And they left Kirk to die.

---

Author's notes: I almost feel bad for Kirk, _ALMOST._


	4. Picard

Author's notes: The next generation, between the fourth and fifth season methinks.

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Captain Picard slumped to the ground. Riker stared as the knife, horrified at what he had just done. "Oh god, Captain!" He tried to go to the Captain, but felt a tug as Data pulled him away.

Data keyed his comm. and a few minutes later the Doctor, Worf and Troi burst through the door. They stared in horror at the state of the captains' ready room. Crusher let out a cry and ran towards Picard, but they all knew it was too late. Riker stared at the massive amount of blood on his hands.

"Why, Commander?" Crusher's voice broke; she had really loved that man, "Why did you kill him?"

"The- The computer…" He said sadly, "Told me to." He wiped a tear from his eye. Data turned and gave him an odd look. "It did…" He said lamely. "I don't know how it just did!"

The Counselor took a step forward, "I don't sense any lies." She said. She turned to Worf and Data, "Yes, I'm sure of it; he really is telling the truth. He killed the Captain, but not by his own will."

Riker drew in a shaky breath. "God, so sorry." The captain's blood seeped into the floor. He could feel it crawl across towards him. Trying to attack him for his wrong doing. "Hck, sorry." He mumbled

Worf gently took his arm and led him away. After processing he was placed in the holding cell. He leaned against the wall. His hands covered his haggard face. He heard the guard talking to Worf. Something about him being a danger. That wasn't possible? He'd never done this before!

He sighed, "Why?"

Seventeen hours later the Commander was released. The crew had gone through records and discovered that someone had rigged the computer to send subliminal messages to Riker. Specifically, Picard had rigged the Computer. Picard had somehow set the computer to send subliminal messages to Riker. He'd had no chance but to respond.

They'd had to free him. Riker hadn't done it on purpose, and therefore it was the computer, or rather Picard, who was guilty. Riker had sadly taken command of the ship, and slunk back to his quarters.

The second he entered his quarters, the ex-commander let out a satanic grin. This was only the beginning. Did those fools really believe the _computer _had made him do it?

---

Author's notes: Seems less like a one-shot chapter thingy and more like the beginnings of something EVIL! MuHAhhah!


	5. Janeway

Author's notes: Voyager, near to the end of the series, I think. I don't watch Voyager as often as the others.

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Captain Janeway could not sleep. She had tried to sleep, no question about that. She had, in fact, tried to sleep for six days. She felt a walk might to her good.  
She unconsciously found herself outside cargo bay 2. //_Must be a sign//_ She thought //_If I'm here and Seven is in there. //_ She keyed the comm. and opened the door when Seven of Nine responded. She entered the room and gazed at the bits and pieces of What-Evers scattered aimlessly about. Seven stood at her favorite counsel randomly pushing buttons with her left hand.

Seven gave her a small nod of acceptance and turned back to the consul.

"Sorry to disturb you, Seven. I was wondering if you could help me." She said as a way of answering. Of course, that wasn't true. Coming here had been a happy accident.

"With what, Captain?" Came the terse reply.

"Sleep, I can't sleep."

"If it is affecting your duties, perhaps you should see the Doctor." Was the horrifically relevant answer to that.

"Mmm," said Janeway. "Seven are you feeling alright?"

"Why?" She said, taking a step back from the captain.

"Well, not that it's overtly unusual, but you haven't come out of this place for days. Is something wrong?"

Seven wavered on the edge of indecision before jumping, "Yes, Captain, my… Hand has been acting oddly. I have stayed here in an attempt to repair it."

"What's wrong with your hand, Seven?" Janeway closed the gap between them, and leaned on the counsel.

"I have yet to determine that. I merely know it is acting in a manner it is not programmed to." She stared fixedly at her right hand. It twitched and spun, nearly rotating a three-sixty.

"Let me see." As the Captain took a step forward, Sevens hand shot up, wrapping around her throat. "Gack!"

Seven's other hand flew to the one wrapped around the Captains throat. She tried desperately to undo the fingers cutting off the circulation to her Captains brain. "Captain!"

"Sev- Hck." She tried to breathe through the pressure on her neck.

"I cannot undo my grip." Her eyes widened. "Oh my… I'm going to kill you." Her other hand doubled its attempts at freeing Janeway. "Captain, I-I…"

Janeway watched her friends face become stricken with fear, and then sadness. And as the last bit of consciousness faded to black she heard one final, "I'm sorry…"

And she knew it was for more than just this.

---

Author's notes: Had to have one serious one. Currant Captain Death count (idea): 114. There is something... off in this one. Can't tell what though...


	6. Archer

Authors notes: Enterprise, sometime during the first season.

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Ambassador S'ketic was not a happy Vulcan. And not even in the sense that Vulcans show happiness, that is a slight drop in their demeanor. Oh no, this was, in fact, one very pissed off Vulcan.

Captain Archer of the Enterprise was, at first, a rather agreeable man. Not someone you want to spend a lot of time with. But not totally disagreeable either. In fact, in the beginning the Ambassador was wondering why the other Vulcans had warned him about this captain.

Now he understood all too clearly. After nearly sixteen hours with the man, he was ready to drop his teachings and scream. He had been treated to almost every speech Archer had ever devised. He was pretty sure the Captain had gone of on some 'gazelle' tangent, but he hadn't been paying that close of attention.

He was pretty certain he was being told off for something, but what he didn't know. Just the fact he was a Vulcan? It wasn't as though he was incorrigible or anything.

Lieutenant Reed had been following them, albeit almost invisibly, all day long. S'ketic had noticed the man out of the corner of his eye. He saw the way Reed fingered his phase pistol, making sure his captain was not to be harmed.

Then S'ketic got an idea! An awful idea! S'ketic got a wonderful awful idea! So, very sneakily and while Archer was talking about directives or some such, he inched closer to the Lieutenant. He was pleased to note his Vulcan Ninja skills weren't becoming rusty, Reed didn't even notice his approach. Equally as sneaky, he slid the phase pistol from the Lieutenant's belt. In its place, he put a banana.

Reed didn't even notice. Six more hours later, the Ambassador was finally past his wits end. He decided not to shoot the captain, eww to messy. Instead he switched the weapon on overload and slid into his transport vessel.

He was beyond pleased when his own armory officer registered an explosion on the Enterprise, and the destruction of the deck Archer had been on.

And he received a promotion when he reported this to Vulcan headquarters.

---

Author's notes: Heheh, the Vulcans finally get back at Archer for his speeches! Go Ambassador S'ketic!


	7. Picard again

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Authors notes: The next generation, In the middle of the series.

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After several minutes of struggling against his bonds, Captain Jean-luc Picard decided to admit defeat. Laying strapped to a table with a laser slowly inching its way towards you may not be the best way to go, but it couldn't be as bad as completing Q's James Bond fantasy.

Picard fixed a withering gaze on the aforementioned deity. "So, Q, this is how it ends?"

Q frowned, "I think that my line. After all, mon Capitan, you are the one about to get sliced into two well-defined pieces."

"That's true," Said the Captain, "But, strangely enough, I don't care to struggle right now. Maybe if you could come by latter, I might be up to it then."

Q eyed the Captain. "But, surely you've watched James Bond?"

"If I had?" The Captain raised an eyebrow in remembrance of a long ago mind meld.

"Then you'd know what to do!" Q's eyes widened at the calm man before him. The bright red laser now only three or four inches from him. "Come _on _Jean-luc, you have to at least try!"

He lazily pulled on his wrist bond. "Nope, seems to tight to me. Sorry, Q, no entertainment this time." He shrugged and yawned.

"But-but…" He struggled to find words, surely this human would not be so pig headed as to not fight just to spite him!

"But nothing, Q, no satisfaction this time." He let out a wry grin.

Q proceeded to gape as the laser traveled the rest of the way towards Picard. The man never moved once. The Captain only gave a small twitch as the laser met skin. Q then knew it was too late. The second his laser sensed new resistance, it speed up. As soon as the laser was done with the Captain, Q turned and made a soft, hic-ing sound.

And promptly woke up. He glanced around, "Thank goodness it was only a dream!" He exclaimed.

All he received from that was a calm, "Was it?" From a certain Jean-luc Picard strapped to a table.

---

Author's notes: Surely Q would not kill Picard with a slow laser of death! He would be much more dramatic about killing Picard. (He is his favorite, after all…) Also, I'm terribly sorry to all James Bond fans, I have never seen the movie. If you find something wrong, tell me please.


	8. Picard a Third Time

Authors notes: TNG, sixth season…. Maybe

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Data expertly thumbed his brand new deck of bicycle playing cards. Glancing around the table at the assembled (Geordi, Worf, and Riker,) every now and then he would give a start, some twitch. Usually he would appear almost afraid over some sound or other. The entire table was looking at him as though he had lost his mind.

"Data," Geordi said, eliciting a quick jump from the android, "Why are you so jumpy tonight?"

Still shuffling the cards, he tilted his head, saying, "I am attempting to emulate another human tendency I see. Most humans balk, or jump, or are surprised by sudden noises." He half shrugged, "It seems like a good thing to emulate."

"Uh-huh. Whatever you say Data." Geordi just shrugged it off.

"Deal the cards, Data." Riker said with a wry glint in his eyes.

As Data dealt the cards, Riker toyed with his playing chips. Lifting them slightly off the table, and tapping them back down. Every time the chips made their click sound, Data would give a small twitch. Usually a delayed twitch, but a twitch none the less. Grinning, he raised a handful of chips and threw them onto the table in a smooth motion.

Hitting the table hard, they made a sound like that of an explosion. Data immediately scooted his chair back, falling to the ground in a disjointed heap.

"Eek," He said after a seconds pause.

Things just degenerated from there. Between the two of them, Geordi and Riker managed to freak Data out more than once. More than three times. More than… Well, Riker had lost count at sixty-something.

Throughout this whole ordeal, Worf had sat patiently. Only giving a snort here and there when Data fell in some truly outlandish way. All he ever said was, "Deal." But then he did say that often.

Riker was attempting to think of something else to scare Data, when he noticed a peculiar glint in the Klingons eye. He nudged Geordi, and pointed at Worf. Geordi obviously got the message, and stopped tormenting Data. He was giving Worf a chance to try his stuff.

Worf's frame slowly inflated as he filled his lungs, getting ready to do something. He glanced at the oblivious Data twice before whipping around, "GARAAAH!!" He shouted, letting out a cry that sent shivers up the two human's spines.

Data immediately reacted. Jumping from his chair, his hand of cards flew from his grip. They flew faster than the eye could see.

At the exact same second, the door swished open and the Captain stepped in. A single playing card, which would latter, be identified as a joker (They were playing old maid) arced its way towards him. It hit his bald skull, slicing neat line through him to the other side, pinning fast in the crack of the closed doors.

As the Captain sunk to the floor, obviously dead, the four companions looked at each other in awe.

"Oops," the said in unison.  
----

Author's notes: Ha! (That is all…)


	9. Archer luvs T'pol

Authors notes: Enterprise before the Xindi, whenever that is.

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"AH! My eye!"

"I apologize, captain. I was not aware your eye was so close to my vicinity."

Captain Archer delicately rubbed his bleeding eye, "No, I'm fine. I'll go to the Doc latter. Anyway! You were saying?"

T'pol nodded, and picked her fork back up. "Yes, I was speaking of time travel. The Vulcan science department still does not acknowledge the ability to travel through time." She made a wide, expansive gesture with her fork-holding hand. Archer winced as she stabbed him in the cheek.

"Pain…. Oww…"

"I apologize once more, captain. Perhaps we should continue this conversation when we are not eating?"

"No!" Archer waved his hand and wiped the blood from his mouth. "I'll be fine, really. Now, please continue."

T'pol nodded resolutely. "I have submitted our evidence to the contrary however. They still do not wish to admit that time travel is perhaps possible." She tapped her fork on her plate. The center tine shattered at the base, the largest chunk flew towards Archer, embedding into his temple.

"Gack! That hurts _really_ badly." He reached up and fingered the sharp implement.

"Captain, please I must apologize. Please, I should leave." She abruptly stood. "Good day captain, thank you."

The Captain nodded with a dazed look, "Uh-huh."

As T'pol whisked out the door, the captain took a firmer grip on the piece of fork in his skull. He quickly yanked it out, giving a wince. His eyes glazed over. "Oooh, no good." He slumped forward and his head hit the table with a dull thud.

When T'pol entered again hours latter, searching for the poor Captain she was slightly put out. Giving a sigh at the body still seated at the table she raised an eyebrow. "Great!" She said, with the Vulcan equivalence of sarcasm. "Now he's dead!"

---

Author's notes: So what if T'pol is a bit out of Character? **_I_** thought it was funny.


	10. Kirk is Nekkid

Three Hundred and Sixty Five ways to kill a Starfleet Captain…

Authors notes: TOS… In a different time. OOoooaoOO!! –Scary ghost noises-

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After ridding himself of the helpful Yeoman, Kirk found himself decidedly without clothes. He searched his room, but neither a pant nor shirt made itself known. He did manage to scrounge up a robe, which he donned. He left the room sneakily and walked towards the laundry section of his deck.

He managed to make it there without incident, nodding to every cute girl he saw. He cast his patented 'I'm-to-sexy-for-whatever-I'm-wearing' grin and scanned the empty room.

He walked to the nearest refresher and opened it. It was empty. He shrugged, no problem, and went to the next. Also empty. Pouting his lower lip he went to the third and last. Elation struck him when the third yielded clothes. Then he let out a cry when he saw the color.  
Red.

Horrible, bright, _deadly_, red.

He knew that he couldn't walk the ship naked though, and grabbed the one size fits all garment. He slipped into it and quickly glanced around. He heard a noise and dove beneath a nearby table.

"Ensign are you in here?"

Worriedly the captain glanced at his wrists. Bare red cloth screamed up at him. Crap, he was an ensign.

"Why are you under the table?" Kirk glanced up at the blue shirted man he had never seen before. This was odd because he was usually the Captain. "Come on! The Captain has an important mission for you!"

"Uh… I am the Captain."

The blue shirt laughed. "Don't try to get out of it Ensign, I've heard that one before. Come on." He grabbed Kirk and manhandled him from the room.

With horror Kirk realized where they were going. _To the transporter room!_ He began to struggle valiantly, but wasn't used to putting up an un-dramified fight. The blue shirt shoved him into the room and laughed.

"Have fun!"

Kirk glanced at the crewman at the controls. Straightening he glared at the other Ensign. "What exactly is my mission?"

The Ensign shrugged. "You're beaming to this 'planet' as a 'replacement' for some other people who are 'down there'." He smirked.

Kirk frowned, what was with those finger quotes? "Really?" That wouldn't be too bad.

The other man laughed. "Sure. Get on the pad." Diligently Kirk obeyed. Starting up the controls the other man shrugged. "Of course, we haven't been near a planet for two weeks."

---

Authors notes: Thanks to Allergic to Paradox for the general idea of this one!


	11. Kirk With no dialogue

Author's notes: TOS, Season one!

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James T. Kirk arose from the gore like a vision. His windswept hair shone, curling into a soft wave as it brushed against his forehead. His eyes shone with the knowledge of what he had just accomplished. Hoisting his phase cannon lightly in one arm he swept a hand lightly across his face, wiping away a sheen of sweat.

His shirt was only slightly ripped. A thin line torn straight across the stomach, showing off his figure. He flicked his head in near slow motion, his hair falling back slowly. He stepped down from the war beneath him and turned to face his conquest.

Piled high was the remains of the Revolution. He smirked slightly. The Ensigns, poor souls, had thought that through shear numbers they could win. They had not realized that as nameless beings they would be easily dispatched.

The Ensigns had revolted, and they had not won. They had started a war, shut down the ship. It had not mattered the color of their shirts after that. They were to be destroyed. Destruction was the only logical outcome.

Not one of the bridge crew had lost their lives. In fact, Spock and Sulu were probably about done with deck 6. His smile grew. He had not needed another person; a whole deck had been obliterated. And he had done it alone. Despite the fact he had been outnumbered a hundred to one, he had done it alone.

His smirk faded as he realized he would need to call Starfleet and collect insurance, and get a new shipment of lower ranks.. Brow furrowing he turned from the mess he had made. His boot caught on the damaged deck and he crashed to the floor.

His phase cannon hit hard. Discharging, it super heated the deck on which he lay. His eyes widened for a mere second before the ground beneath him melted. Sliding through he landed in what could only be described as molten metal.

He screamed as the metal surged around him, encasing him in an internal prison. Melting his flesh it fused to his bones. He died in a cocoon of solid metal.

And a deck above him, from the depths of the bodies, a single hand rose up.

---

Author's notes: Implausibility is my strong point. The ensigns are revolting!! … Get it? Cause they're revolting. Right, Ha…. Whatever.


	12. Kirk yet again

Author's notes: TOS season three. Talks about something that is related to an adult theme. So be forewarned! Also, Spock/Kirk OMG!

---

Kirk wandered into his chief surgeon's office fashionably late. It wasn't entirely his fault, Yeoman Ithaca had been very adamant about getting those PADD's signed just right.

He smirked. Very adamant indeed.

"You're late, Jim."

"Sorry, got tied up with a Yeoman." He watched as Bones flinched at his choice of words.

"It is inconsequential." Kirk whipped around, surprised, and faced a stoic as ever Spock. "Doctor, shall we begin?"

Bones nodded his assent and Spock pulled something from his pocket. "Captain, I would like you to pay attention. Do you know what this is?"

Kirk examined the object closely. It was wrapped in a red package. White words that were too small to read at this distance dotted its landscape. And was that a horse on it?

"No, what is it?"

"For Gods sakes. I told you he wouldn't know. Jim," Bones snatched the package from Spock, "This is a condom, can you say that? Con-Dom."

"Corn dumb." Kirk said obediently.

Bones sighed and Spock carefully took the package from the Doctor, as if not to break it. "No, Captain. We have called you here to discuss your use of this item. Or rather the lack thereof."

"Yeah so here." Once again snatching the package from Spock, Bones shoved it in Kirk's hands. "You should use this more often."

Examining it closely, Kirk was still baffled. "What does it do?"

Bones and Spock exchanged worried glances. "Well…" Bones began, but couldn't find words to finish. Instead he giggled.

"We must leave you to figure it out for yourself." Spock gripped the Doctor's arm and began to push him out the door.

"But you have to figure out how to use it before you meet Spoc- I mean, whatever Yeoman you have a date with tonight." Spock gave the Doctor a very irritated look and thrust him bodily out the door. "Good luck, Jim."

Kirk continued his examination of the object, barely acknowledging their departure. As he turned it over in his hands, one word caught his eye.

_Flavored_.

Needless to say he was intrigued. He spoke aloud his thoughts.

"Ooh, Flavored. I wonder what. Strawberries? Apples? Klingon blood wine? That stuff is the best. Of course it is illegal on fleet planets but technically I wasn't on a planet when I…" He paused and looked at the object again. Glancing around he made sure no one was anywhere near him. Seeing no one he swallowed the entire package, wrapping and all.

Three hours later Spock and McCoy wandered back in.

"I tell you, even he should have figured it out by now."

"Your basis for this is not based on fact; it is illogical to assume anything with the Captain."

"Well, you would know how fast he is, wouldn't you?"

Spock gave him another irritated look and started to reply but stopped dead at the sight of his Captain, well, dead.

McCoy walked swiftly over to the prone figure. Laying one finger on the Captain's neck he searched futilely for a pulse. He turned as slowly and dramatically as possible to face Spock. Spock was not impressed, but Bones said it anyway. "He's dead, Spock."

Spock sighed.

---

Author's notes: I got this idea while stripping a parking lot in the cities. Please note that in accordance to popular belief, I know nothing about condoms except hearsay and rumor. On that note… -dies laughing-


	13. Archer ow

Authors notes: ENT after Malcolm's birthday episode. (Which one is that!?)

---

Archer twisted in pain, hands clutching at his face as he tried desperately to save his own life. His body glowed bright with the energy of the phase pistol's discharge. It was too much. He phased out of existence, destroyed by the highest setting. He did not scream.

Malcolm Reed was stunned as they brought him back to the ship. He answered with a polite 'yes ma'am, no ma'am' to every question T'pol asked him. He couldn't explain it.

Trip was there, he had seen what happened as well. Malcolm hadn't done anything, somehow it had just happened. Archer dying in a fit of eternal agony.

"Malcolm didn't pull the trigger; he didn't even draw the pistol all the way." Trip shook his head. "Somehow, it discharged and hit the Cap'n. He's dead." Trip paused as though the realization was just sinking in. "Oh, God. The Cap'n is dead." He looked to T'pol with pleading eyes, she seemed unmoved.

"Ensign, is this what happened?"

Sato nodded. That was what she had seen too. She refused to cry, but T'pol was sympathetic.

"Based on the evidence and the Fleet recommendation Lt. Reed was not at fault." Malcolm shivered, in some strange way he almost wanted to be blamed. "You may continue with your duties. Dismissed."

Trip led a shaking Malcolm to the mess hall, which thankfully was empty. He scooped up a plate of Pineapple chunks and some bread, which was all that was left in the slots. Setting it before the numb officer, he slid into the chair beside him.

"So…" He began conversationally, "Are you okay?"

Malcolm twitched, then smiled. "I'm fine."

"Good." Trip grinned. "Now, this is how I think we should take care of T'pol…"

---

Author's notes: Okay so yeah. Take THAT Archer and T'pol!


	14. Sisko!

Authors notes: DS9! Yay! Please excuse the inconsistencies; I don't watch it as much as I should. I did read a lot of books though!

---

Doctor Bashir was perfectly happy to just sit and eat his lunch with Garak, but his joy was short lived.

"Oh no!" He cried, immediately ducking behind his glass of water, which was see through and wouldn't help any way.

"What is it Doctor?" Garak asked mildly. Of course, he already knew what had the Doctor in a tizzy.

"It's Kira!" he cried, somewhat to loudly.

"Why, I thought you liked her." Garak was settling himself in for some fun times when Bashir abruptly dove under the table.

"Well, I do." Came the muffled reply, "But I made a fool of myself and don't want to see her. She'll just think I'm dumber, and try to kill me."

"Well, you are hiding under a table, in plain sight." Said the aforementioned Kira Nerys. She reached under the table as Garak politely moved aside and she grasped Bashir by his shirt. As she did, it came untucked at the waist and a bottle of something rolled out onto the floor. "So tell me what you thought you meant by what you said." She gave him a shake for good measure.

"N-nothing." He cleared his throat and said, deeper, "Nothing."

"We'll see." Taking the back of his collar in hand she began to drag him away.

At Bashir's pleading look, Garak smiled. "Be back soon, Doctor. Your food will get cold."

Sisko was pretty sure he didn't want to be here. The crowds and pushing were definitely getting on his nerves. But despite this, he had to find where his Doctor had gotten off to. No one had seen him since before lunch and Sisko was nervous. Somehow Bashir had managed to go missing exactly when the other Medics had time off.

Completely lost in thought, Sisko didn't see the bottle until it was too late. Stepping on it, the top popped off and he slid backwards.

Sisko didn't recognize it as hair gel because he didn't use the stuff, but he did know it was slippery. When he tried to regain his balance, he fell all the way down.

His skull went backwards, but his brain was still heading forward when he hit the ground. When the autopsy was performed latter there was nothing left but mush.

---

Authors notes: Eww… mushy brains. Mmm, brain soup! I hear that's a delicacy in China. (The brain of a duck anyway.)


	15. Archer the Fourth

Authors notes: Enterprise! Oh no! (Just kidding)

---

Porthos ran ahead, sniffing the ground and waggling giddily. He was so happy to be out of the cramped quarters he was kept in. yipping near silently, he turned back to his Master.

_Master, pah, soon he won't be anything more than some dinosaur's teeth scraping in a museum. _

The aforementioned Master smiled congenially at Porthos, saying something in the language Porthos still couldn't understand.

_If they didn't keep my kind so oppressed, so uneducated, it wouldn't have come to this. You remember that Master, when you're dead and gone I'll remember it too._

Porthos tried to encourage the Master forward, but he had stopped to talk to The Curvy One, who was somewhat different than The Master, and therefore not to be killed. Hopefully. Porthos still hoped his plan would go flawlessly, and that the Curvy One would manage to survive. Her ears in and of themselves gave her the right to life.

_She and I will join together, I know it. But first I must get the 'Master' to the correct spot. He must be the first to go, or this will not work._

Yipping again, he ran off, encouraging the Master to follow him. Master and Curvy One went their separate ways, and Porthos smiled inwardly.

_Yes… Soon my plans will be complete… MuHAhhah!_

It was time like this he wished he could laugh out loud. He ran faster, so that Master had to run to keep up. Now all he had to do was time this perfectly, stop just so that the Master would over shoot and…

_Slide directly into my tinfoil trap of time travel! There will be no going back!_

He was getting closer, closer, oh so close to the end! Porthos could literally _smell _the victory! Preparing to stop, he heard a sound. Stopping, then, completely, he turned to stare at his Master lying on the floor, bleeding.

_What the…_

Exasperated, he walked up to the Master and sniffed him. He drew back quickly, shocked at what he smelled.

_He smells dead!_

Porthos sat on his tail, howling sadly.

_My plan! My beautiful plan! No!_

He sobbed as the Curvy One came and made an exclamation. Watching resolutely as she ran away, he once again looked at his former Master. This time he considered what had just occurred.

_Well, he is dead and that was the end result of my plan… Sounds good enough to me._

He only stopped laughing with joy to move out of the way of the paramedics.

---

Authors notes: Porthos? Evil! Never… right?


	16. Kirk The Aftermath!

Author's notes: TOS, season 2 smack dab in the middle.

---

"Please state the reason for this hearing for the record."

Scotty shifted from foot to foot nervously. His lawyer finally spoke up for him. "This hearing has been called to investigate the death of Captain James T. Kirk."

"How does you client plead?" The head judge looked at him as though he wished he was somewhere else.

"On the charge of Homicide, not guilty, however, we wish to have the charge reconsidered and changed to justifiable manslaughter."

The judges shifted their data pads nervously. "On what grounds?" The one in the middle finally said.

Scotty finally spoke up. "On the grounds that the Captain was an overbearing son of a…" He trailed off when his lawyer shot him a glare. "What? Come on Spock, you know what I'm saying."

The head judge considered briefly. "We will take this under consideration, until such time as we reach an agreement the trial will be scheduled for two weeks from this time."

"Isn't the trial supposed to be quick, two weeks is quite a while." Scotty muttered. The judges shot him a glare and he raised his hands. "Hey, I'm just saying."

"You will be contained in a holding facility until a jury of your peers can be assembled." The judge motioned to a guard who stepped forward to escort them away.

Scotty and Lawyer Spock nodded, turning to leave. Once they were out the door, Spock turned to him and gave him a glare.

"That could almost have been considered a confession on your part."

"Well then, I am lucky you stopped me then. You know, you never did ask why I did it."

"I had thought it irrelevant." Spock glanced nervously at the guard, who appeared to be sleep walking, or at least ignoring them completely.

"Aren't you my lawyer, isn't everything relevant?" Scotty gave him a strange look as the guard opened the door to the holding facility for them.

"Not necessarily. And I also believe that if you had confirmed your guilt I would have been unable to defend you at this hearing. It would have gone against my nature as a Vulcan"

"Well, If I hadn't done it someone else would have."

"It would have been prudent of you to wait." Spock said calmly.

"Why's that?"

"Beaming him into a supernova was foolhardy at best. However…" He glanced around and leaned forward to whisper. "My plan would not have led to my capture."

---

Author's Notes: Many thanks to Traycon 3 and Fishey Me for the idea for this one. I figured the aftermath would be a little better because I wouldn't have to describe Kirk burning in a Supernova, which would be gross.


	17. Janeway Drinks Heavily

Author notes: Voyager, when they were stuck in that place with no light.

--

Chakotay realized that he had already tried to extract the Captain from her self imposed exile multiple times, but he felt as though once more couldn't hurt.

He stood outside her door nervously twitching. An ensign walked by without even gracing him with a strange look. He'd been standing outside this door nervously more than six hours.

Finally he thought he had the courage. Stretching his collar out to cool his neck he gathered himself and keyed the door chime.

Nothing happened. Janeway didn't say 'Go away,' or 'come in,' or anything. He keyed the door again, in case she hadn't heard. More silence was all he got for his trouble.

"Maybe she finally left her room." He sounded hopeful, but inside he knew it was useless. "Computer, locate Captain Janeway."

"Captain Janeway is in her quarters."

Well, that blew that plan out of the water. He keyed the door once more, waiting only a second before bursting in. What he saw was both shocking and, strangely enough, what he had expected.

His Captain lay on the ground surrounded on all sides by coffee mugs. The one she had been drinking out of had spilled across her shirt, leaving an ugly brown splotch across the front, which defiantly did not mix well with her cranberry uniform.

He slapped his chest communicator. "Chakotay to sickbay medical emergency, lock onto the Captains communicator and beam her directly to sickbay." The Captain shimmered in front of his eyes and disappeared. After a second he noticed that he was still conspicuously in her quarters. He'd of course forgotten to include himself in that beam out and now had to walk.

When he finally arrived at sickbay Tom Paris ushered him in with a somber look.

"When did you find her?" He asked.

"A few seconds before I asked for beam out." Chakotay tried to glance around Tom, but couldn't see through the bulkhead or around the corner. "Why?"

"Chakotay, I'm afraid she's dead."

Chakotay put on his command face, "How?"

"Caffeine overdose." The Doctor broke in. "She drank about fifteen times the recommended limit of caffeine. She literally poisoned her blood with the caffeine." He shook his head and tossed a hypo on a nearby table. "What a way to go."

Chakotay nodded, already feeling depression creep up his spine into his skull. He walked over to gaze at his captain's lifeless body. Her face was frozen in mid caffeine induced twitch. "Well," He said false-cheerfully, "At least she died happy."

--


End file.
